A Matter o' Patter

By L MacLEAN

Taken from the 1971 Bonnet Guild Festival Guide

Once tae Arran's sunny clime we did haste tae spend oor time,

Accompanied by youngsters oan their mettle:

On that island's friendly shore we were met by friends galore —

Encouragin' oor wee cloot hoose tae settle.

Now there's this I beg you, pray, can you slumber oan a brae —

Or woo the Morpheus bond that charms the weary?

Nae maitter whit ye say, Newton's law will have its way,

As ye're turnin' roond like ilka widden peerie!

So when dawn's clear sunbeams broke thru' Ardrossan's murky yoke

Id didn't find us limp and slumber-sodden.

We were there by smoking fire — refugees from midges ire,

Protesting at their grassy homes down-trodden.

We're a lumps oan broo and chin, where sardonic midge's grin

Had fastened oan oor lowland flesh a' gnashing;

There's nae doot aboot this, hen, he's the monarch o' the glen

Sends the hope of perfect holiday a' crashing,

On the credit side there's this, for a taste o' gourmet's bliss

Was ours, like phoenix, oot o' fire's embers —

For there's naething tastes sae fine as that product o' the brine

When he's cooked — complete with each and a' his members!

Then, muscles flexed, we fought our way up wild hills ahint oor

Ray Gasped and groaned, and weary climbed the steep:

To the giant's resting-place resolutely kept the pace —

And there beside him fain would fall asleep!

We hae marched where cuddies fell, as each can fu' weel tell —

There's a muscle oan ma thigh that's there a stranger

For up and doon that hill we stravaiged wi' richt guid will;

Noo tae fa' ahint there's no a bit o' danger!

So here Ah'm back hame. Maw, no a whit the waur at a';

Tho' Ah'm shoart a shoe or sock, you will have noticed.

There's new timbre in ma voice, and for you there is nae choice —

Ah'm a man, so let us hiv nae mair o' protest!

Noo Ah'rn gangin' tae ma bed, so remember whit

Ah said — A man's REAL breakfast Ah'll be lookin' for.
On REAL purridge I am hooked, jist like that

Auld Donald cooked, And a' the ancient Hielan' men o' wari